Anxiety & Fear · Christian Poetry/Illustration/Short Story · Doubt/Faith · Relationship with Christ

I deserve this pain

Illustration #1

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Chained Home

Darkness weighs upon my shoulders. Musky air mingles against my sweat soaked skin. Chains restrain my ankles. Kneeling on my knees, clinking of metal around my wrists echoes. I try to break free. Only to realize a few inches is my only freedom.

Head bent forward. Wet hair clings to my face.

What has my home become?

Darkness.

Unbearable heat.

Fear.

Security only in chains.

Weakened, I refuse to lift my head up. “This is it,” my heart whispers.

“Is it?”

A gentle Voice asks.

“No! Don’t listen to Him!” A burning voice seethes.

I know the seething voice well. Rare is the voice foreign.  Most of the time I identify and know well.

Disappointed family members.

Angry spouse.

Me.

Those I know…those I put hope in. My trust in them pushes to believe in the darkest parts they show. Surely they must be right.

Doubt covers my mind and yet…my own words…obviously I must be right.

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Blindness

A glimmer of light shines reflecting off the chains. Words are written on the chains.

Regret.

Guilt.

Fear.

Temptation.

 Yes, I remember when the darkness first came. The chains didn’t exist then. But only when I was blinded and couldn’t see was when the chains were placed on me. “I deserve this.”

Footsteps around me. “Yes, you do.” 

Footsteps stop to a halt.

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Savior Answers

Light spills into the room. Darkness no longer clings to the walls. It recedes.

“Why do you cease to acknowledge Me child? You’ll believe in everyone else but not Me?”

Ashamed, my head turns. “Not this Jesus. This is too much.”

“Too much?”

He smiles.

“Do you know why you will never be able to out give God?”

Tears fall as I lift my head to Him.

“You’re not Me.”

He says as He wipes away tears.

“I covered all darkness for you.”

Sadness appears in His eyes.

“You’re not stronger than Me. Why do you think you can bear your own sin? Do you think you’re doing Me a favor by keeping it?”  

“I…just…don’t want to cause you more pain.”

Shaking His head, He answers.

“Child, I accepted that pain long ago. Pain from the past and pain in the future. I walked ahead of you so you wouldn’t have to stumble alone.” 

Shaking I tried to stretch my arms toward Him. Chains holding me back.

“I can’t even cling to You! I’ve forsaken You for too long.”

Words choke in my chest, “Lord, please forgive me.”

Chains break from me as I fall into His arms.

“But child, I’ve never forsaken you.”

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(Can’t get enough posts? Check out my second blog Peeking Beneath)

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