God Has Always Been There For Me
The path I choose to take.
The reason I do not question God.
An answer I seek beyond my life.
Beyond what I cannot see.
There have been many twists and turns in my life. Through each one God has answered me. Sometimes He answers with a blessing, and sometimes He answers through a closed door. But through it all, God has always been.
He has been, “I AM.”
Breath of Life.
It is in our world to be confused. To be frustrated.
Others Don’t See God’s Plan For Me
I am a house wife. I don’t have a job, though I do have a degree. I make no money as of this point right now.
These things I know people see first. I am judged before known. I am judged and people don’t know my reason.
I don’t follow what is “expected” of me.
But I am following what God told me.
No, not from scripture, though scripture supports what I heard.
On one of the darkest days of my life, before I realized I was depressed, He answered me six years ago.
I’ve spoken in the past, that I’ve experienced end of time dreams and the like. But unlike Be still and know that I am God- Dream Experience #1 this wasn’t anything like that.
For anyone familiar with depression, or overwhelming fear, shame, and helplessness. There is often a physical weight you feel around your shoulders and chest. Something that lies heavy within you.
Vulnerable and tired.
I was there.
Dreams and nightmares merged from sleep to daylight. Uneasiness constantly fed into my heart. Often upon awakening I still felt drained.
During these times I still talked to God, but there was an avoidance in conversation. It wasn’t till six months later when I truly discussed with God my issues. But even before that, during the darkness, God was present.
Even when I felt like I had no one else available, I always felt God was with me.
Unexplained Scratch Mark
It was around this time, I had a dream that I was being attacked. When I woke up, I awakened with a sharp pain. There was a dark red long crooked claw mark on my left arm, near my shoulder.
I don’t know how it got there. Showing my best friend the mark, I wanted to be assured I wasn’t just thinking I saw something not there. Her eyes grew wide, and she asked repeatedly various questions as to how I could have got it.
But we couldn’t find an answer that wasn’t related to the supernatural. She believed me and most dismissed it. Which, I don’t blame them. I only share this to give way to what happens later, don’t worry, it’s good.
Heaviness Around Me
Soon after this incident, I struggled sleeping at night. Constantly being afraid of something watching me in the apartment I was in.
Another night passed I had fallen asleep. Not quite sure what happened during dream sequences leading up to this point, but one thing was clear. The heaviness from my fear and sadness I could feel, and I had been feeling it often while asleep. It never left me.
Darkness. Black all around.
Someone who was HUGE! Not fat, mind you, I mean in general. Like a giant, both in width and height. He towered to the point even in my dream, I only saw from His shoulders down.
(NIV) Exodus 33:20, “But,” He said, “you cannot see My face, for no one may see Me and live.”
This towering giant wore a well worn robe. Dark emerald green and throughout were rows and rows of spaced out sewn in patches. Within each patch were different colors.
There was no roar.
(NIV) 1 Kings 19:11, “The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.”
No spoken words could I give Him.
(NIV) 1 Kings 19:12, “After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.”
I felt Him reach His hand towards me. Though I still felt the deep heaviness in my chest and sadness, I felt peace radiate from Him.
But it was when His hand rested right in the center of my chest that everything changed. Immediately an intense power flooded throughout my whole body. Every single weight on my shoulders became broken chains. Falling off as soon as His hand was on me.
Intensity was so pure. There are no words to describe it. Just feeling. If you could feel true love, that would be it. Complete peace.
Nothing else and no one else mattered because of how that power connected you to Him.
And still He remained silent.
But just as I was about to awaken, He spoke the words, not in a stern voice, but strongly He spoke.
My eyes opened and the intense power I felt in the dream still rested upon my shoulders. All fears and sadness had dissipated from me. They fled because nothing of that nature compares or can stand against the power and love of God.
That moment, that dream, whatever it was, has always stayed with me. Six months later, I worked harder on what I had feared, which was schoolwork for college. And I did it with God by my side.
Through constant tears my senior year in December I promised Him I would continue to try to give Him my best when it came to studies.
I had given God a lot of acknowledgment up to that point, but it wasn’t enough to me. So the next month in January, 2013 I decided to give my childhood story, God gave me when I was four, to the public. In order to do so, I would have to write up a Christian Fantasy series. Something that isn’t available much on the bookshelves.
Answering Him Back
To share the lessons God continues to teach me, I’ve started up this blog, Inside Cup in June, 2016.
I do these things because as I’ve discussed in My Calling: Maybe You Were Like Me God’s called me to help others, believers especially. He has done so much for me. Providing in ways when I never saw the way out. But He did. One of the very first lessons He taught me was this, “I will always provide another way.”
And He has kept His word.
I may not see the future. I may not know how He will continue to provide. But I know Him. I know what He has done, and I want His works to be sufficient for my faith, so that I do not doubt.
Gratify- make happy, delight, to satisfy. I had never used it in my vocabulary before.
Working On A Crown To Give
If I could give Him any crown, it would be what He gave me when I was four. To give back to Him what He gave me. To share with the world, what He first shared with me.
It’s too easy to be afraid of the future. It isn’t unknown for my God. If this is what He wants, then I trust Him to provide.
He’s provided for me in ways unexpected. He will continue to keep His word.
(NIV) Psalms 46:10, “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
As long as He is glorified, it’s worth it.
Praise the Lord for always being with us. At all times. Check out this song that touched my heart. Times- Tenth Avenue North
(Can’t get enough posts? Check out my second blog Peeking Beneath)