If you’re an avid reader of both of my blogs, you will have picked up on some things.
I’ve had troubling friendships growing up.
I’ve been walked over A LOT (check out this letter to my teenage self), and struggled with the reality of the pain and mistrust.
But through it all, God has always been there for me.
He uses His love in constructive ways. He loved me when I couldn’t love myself.
But the hurt I’ve experienced from those closest to me, as I grew independent, I shut off vulnerability to all, except God. Which to an extent is completely understandable.
However, dear reader and beloved of Christ, understand this does not make it right.
Let us go back a little bit. I went through scars of being left behind, being the reason for someone else’s pain, for someone else’s anger.
Not being enough. (And as I say this, I feel the sting of the words)
From the age of 12, I was always the friend who gave advice. Always happy. Always positive. People came to me for happiness, assurance, and relief. But seldom did they ever stay just for me. On one hand, I can tell you the number of times my friends really reached out just to me during school.
I was the spine of most of my friendships. But you can only take so much pressure.
I wanted to please people to the point my pearls were utterly crushed and broken beneath the feet of others.
Recently, I had opened up to my mom about this hardship I struggled with in high school. She had no idea.
No one knew, most don’t know now. Except God.
I suppose I invented this lie to myself. No one will understand except God.
Which isn’t true.
TRUTH: God understands us the best! There will be things He only understands. Yes!
But that doesn’t mean He can’t use people in our lives to help us and to support us as well. It doesn’t mean God will only be the One out there to be there for us. Jesus Christ is strong enough not only to speak to us but through others.
He doesn’t want us forsaken by Him, and He doesn’t want us feeling forsaken by the community. Christ was loved by many, and He had a fair amount of His closest friends who stayed with Him.
I struggle feeling understood.
Thoughts run through my head sometimes and my lips quiver because I’ve already accepted I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to show pain and vulnerability to another. God gave me writing as a way to talk because in most circumstances I struggle to. But writing isn’t my only voice, I have a vocal one, and it should be used.
Especially in my marriage.
Now, as you may have guessed, I’m married. Last month, my husband and I celebrated our fourth year of marriage. We dated when I was 16, and he was 15, and we dated for 8 years. Exactly on our eighth year anniversary together is when we got married.
He isn’t the boy I dated. He’s the man I married. A man God continues to strengthen in front of me. He’s is so much more open than when he was younger, and yet here I am, basically the same.
Shut down and shut off in opening my mouth about how I feel, and how I think.
That’s where I was last week. The same Friday I posted the new Dream Experience dealing with a little girl named Pride. You see, I wrote the post the week before when I first had the dream. But last Friday, when the post was scheduled, that was a hard day.
Mentally, I kept having negative thoughts. Physically, I felt a deep heaviness in my chest similar to sadness, and I couldn’t remember if it was familiar to how I felt when I went through my depression a few years back. (Which honestly, I’m grateful for.)
My husband is very keen on knowing my body language, and how I usually act. Sometimes, he knows something is wrong before I am even aware.
A few nights ago, I had asked God to help strengthen our marriage, as we all should pray. I’m telling you, God will use pain to get to the truth, not because He’s cruel, but because it’s needed.
There was a moment I felt a wave of sadness flood throughout me.
I couldn’t handle it, unlike what I had always done before. I couldn’t stop the tears in front of him. I cried.
Bawled my eyes out galore. And I could hear the pain in my cries. I could hear the hurt that was affecting my heart and mind. I clung to my husband, which I don’t often do, as the pain and hurt fell through my tears.
I’ve talked about the importance of marriage before on here. The husband is to lift the wife above himself, but he can’t do that if the wife wants complete control of her emotional state, if she struggles with trust. That’s where I was.
God used it as an answered prayer, not only for my marriage…but for my dream.
And that dream’s connection? My husband had asked me, “Do you know why you feel this way?”
I answered, “I’m not sure,” but immediately thought back to the dream about pride. In the dream, at first, two boys had helped me, but then I was in the back of a van, on the floor, and all of these children crowded me, sat on me, and the adults did nothing.
I didn’t struggle. I didn’t say anything. I just gasped for breath silently.
Which led me to the answer.
I think I have some pride in the sense of not allowing others to help me when it’s offered. It was close to the last theory I had of the dream. I let things sit on top of me. I’ve let people walk over me in the past. Now, I let my feelings and emotional state try to rule over me, and I clearly can’t do it on my own.
Instantly, when I said that to him, the heaviness in my chest…vanished. (Amen)
God gave me a husband who loves me. Who provides for me, and wants to take care of me, but he can’t do that if I don’t let him.
Christian women tend to be secretive sometimes about these things. I just wanted to share this story with you because I felt like it speaks volumes. God will always be there for us. But that doesn’t give us the right to shut out our husbands who are trying to reach us as well.
Maybe we’ve been hurt in the past, but we can’t grow in pain.
We grow in healing. ❤
(ESV) Isaiah 40:29, “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.”
Next Monday, I will continue the next letter (F) for our Alphabet Devotion 🙂
(Can’t get enough posts? Check out my second blog Peeking Beneath)