I Let My Husband Hold Me | Life Chat (200th Post)

If you’re an avid reader of both of my blogs, you will have picked up on some things.

I’ve had troubling friendships growing up.

I’ve been walked over A LOT (check out this letter to my teenage self), and struggled with the reality of the pain and mistrust.

But through it all, God has always been there for me.

He uses His love in constructive ways. He loved me when I couldn’t love myself.

But the hurt I’ve experienced from those closest to me, as I grew independent, I shut off vulnerability to all, except God. Which to an extent is completely understandable.

However, dear reader and beloved of Christ, understand this does not make it right.

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Let us go back a little bit. I went through scars of being left behind, being the reason for someone else’s pain, for someone else’s anger.

Not being enough. (And as I say this, I feel the sting of the words)Β 

From the age of 12, I was always the friend who gave advice. Always happy. Always positive. People came to me for happiness, assurance, and relief. But seldom did they ever stay just for me. On one hand, I can tell you the number of times my friends really reached out just to me during school.

I was the spine of most of my friendships. But you can only take so much pressure.

I wanted to please people to the point my pearls were utterly crushed and broken beneath the feet of others.

Recently, I had opened up to my mom about this hardship I struggled with in high school. She had no idea.

No one knew, most don’t know now.Β Except God.

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I suppose I invented this lie to myself. No one will understand except God.

Which isn’t true.

TRUTH: God understands us the best! There will be things He only understands. Yes!

But that doesn’t mean He can’t use people in our lives to help us and to support us as well. It doesn’t mean God will only be the One out there to be there for us. Jesus Christ is strong enough not only to speak to us but through others.

He doesn’t want us forsaken by Him, and He doesn’t want us feeling forsaken by the community. Christ was loved by many, and He had a fair amount of His closest friends who stayed with Him.

I struggle feeling understood.

Thoughts run through my head sometimes and my lips quiver because I’ve already accepted I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to show pain and vulnerability to another. God gave me writing as a way to talk because in most circumstances I struggle to. But writing isn’t my only voice, I have a vocal one, and it should be used.

Especially in my marriage.

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Now, as you may have guessed, I’m married. Last month, my husband and I celebrated our fourth year of marriage. We dated when I was 16, and he was 15, and we dated for 8 years. Exactly on our eighth year anniversary together is when we got married.

He isn’t the boy I dated. He’s the man I married. A man God continues to strengthen in front of me. He’s is so much more open than when he was younger, and yet here I am, basically the same.

Shut down and shut off in opening my mouth about how I feel, and how I think.

That’s where I was last week. The same Friday I posted the new Dream Experience dealing with a little girl named Pride. You see, I wrote the post the week before when I first had the dream. But last Friday, when the post was scheduled, that was a hard day.

Mentally, I kept having negative thoughts. Physically, I felt a deep heaviness in my chest similar to sadness, and I couldn’t remember if it was familiar to how I felt when I went through my depression a few years back. (Which honestly, I’m grateful for.)

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My husband is very keen on knowing my body language, and how I usually act. Sometimes, he knows something is wrong before I am even aware.

A few nights ago, I had asked God to help strengthen our marriage, as we all should pray. I’m telling you, God will use pain to get to the truth, not because He’s cruel, but because it’s needed.

There was a moment I felt a wave of sadness flood throughout me.

I couldn’t handle it, unlike what I had always done before. I couldn’t stop the tears in front of him. I cried.

Bawled my eyes out galore. And I could hear the pain in my cries. I could hear the hurt that was affecting my heart and mind. I clung to my husband, which I don’t often do, as the pain and hurt fell through my tears.

I’ve talked about the importance of marriage before on here. The husband is to lift the wife above himself, but he can’t do that if the wife wants complete control of her emotional state, if she struggles with trust. That’s where I was.

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God used it as an answered prayer, not only for my marriage…but for my dream.

And that dream’s connection? My husband had asked me, “Do you know why you feel this way?”

I answered, “I’m not sure,” but immediately thought back to the dream about pride. In the dream, at first, two boys had helped me, but then I was in the back of a van, on the floor, and all of these children crowded me, sat on me, and the adults did nothing.

I didn’t struggle. I didn’t say anything. I just gasped for breath silently.

Which led me to the answer.

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I think I have some pride in the sense of not allowing others to help me when it’s offered. It was close to the last theory I had of the dream. I let things sit on top of me. I’ve let people walk over me in the past. Now, I let my feelings and emotional state try to rule over me, and I clearly can’t do it on my own.

Instantly, when I said that to him, the heaviness in my chest…vanished. (Amen)

God gave me a husband who loves me. Who provides for me, and wants to take care of me, but he can’t do that if I don’t let him.

Christian women tend to be secretive sometimes about these things. I just wanted to share this story with you because I felt like it speaks volumes. God will always be there for us. But that doesn’t give us the right to shut out our husbands who are trying to reach us as well.

Maybe we’ve been hurt in the past, but we can’t grow in pain.

We grow in healing. ❀

(ESV) Isaiah 40:29, “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.”


Next Monday, I will continue the next letter (F) for our Alphabet Devotion πŸ™‚


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(Can’t get enough posts? Check out my second blogΒ Peeking Beneath)

29 thoughts on “I Let My Husband Hold Me | Life Chat (200th Post)

  1. Enjoyed the post, thanks! It reminded me of my wife and I at the beginning. We accept the fact that two become one in marriage but sometimes forget that the two stop being two. It can be painful but winds up wonderful.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Yes they do. But it is more than just support. In order for you and hubby to become one those parts that are in opposition like not wanting to share everything and be vulnerable must be transformed. Sometimes that is painful and scary but the end result is awesome.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh of course. I meant when couples support each other it is easier to work together. It’s easier to share burdens and troubles πŸ™‚ The trust is already there. You have someone you can fall into, and they will catch you.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. So nice yung alphabet devotion πŸ™‚ Open communication is one of the keys to a successful marriage. While we know that God knows everything about us, I believe He put people in our lives just so we have others whom we can share our successes and failures, joy and pain. My husband, sawa na sa rants ko hehe. Whenever I feel something, whether masaya or malungkot, I tell it to him. We have kids kaya when I need help sa mga bata, sinasabi ko sa kanya. I wish you a blissful married life. Will look forward sa wife stories mo ❀️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ❀ dreams are interesting. I wish I understood why God chooses to speak to us through dreams…still. I love that He does. This post is very real. I struggle too with some of the things you’ve mentioned. Vulnerability and asking for help..neither one is easy.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. It isn’t easy. It’s easier to tell a person what to do, but then when we actually go through it, two entirely different things. I’m glad He uses dreams too. Sometimes, the dreams are a more personal connection I think to Him, if that makes sense. Like we can feel Him, understand Him better. Thanks for your words Rachel πŸ™‚ I wasn’t sure how it read to someone who could relate, that was the main reason I shared. I’m glad it got through, and it can connect us as sisters of Christ. πŸ™‚ ❀

      Like

  4. Thanks for choosing to be real and share this stuff T.R. God will get to some hard core hurt that we have in a way only he can, and its awesome how he will use others (once we let them in) to be part of our recovery as well. Your words hit hard as they remind me of my own past pain, but they are also the cause of celebration. I am in my 2nd year of marriage

    Here’s to growing in healing!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I enjoyed this piece. Thank you for being honest..You see, no matter how independent we are, our partner is there to help us through tough times (once we are open about it)..Open communication helps love grow stronger..i am learning this everyday in marriage.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. T.R. – Thank you. That was beautiful! I can relate to some things you have shared. God also speaks to me through dreams, sometimes. I appreciate your transparency, too. I went through a similar healing process in my early 30s. I am now 67 and I am still learning and growing in certain areas. Life can be pretty hard, at times, but God is good and completely faithful in all that he does. I love his amazing Grace. Blessings to you. Sue

    Liked by 1 person

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