At the time I write this, it is Tuesday, November 7th, 2017. The latest event has happened within the past twenty minutes.
And what also happened right before is that I reached my milestone of 10,000 views all time. Which was and is incredible to me, and I was also so happy a fellow blogger reached out to me for advice in an email. You may not be aware, but yes, it really made me happy! 🙂
Moments ago, I was happy and excited. This past week especially from talking with many of you, who have all been so encouraging, I’ve been encouraged and happy in moving forward.
I’ve read posts from some you amazing bloggers warning that happiness is only temporary, which is true. But oh how temporary it is.
My weakness is fear. Lord, Jesus, in front of any who read, I repeat, my weakness is fear.
The first time I received an eviction notice on my door was last year, May 2016. The day RIGHT AFTER my husband left to finish his tour in Korea. We were living in Little Rock, AR at the time. I was going to take myself out to eat and I had my notebook with me to write down ideas for my series. It was going to be just me and God.
But that all changed when I opened the door and saw the letter. I remember the shaking feeling, which moments ago became all too familiar. Fear creeping in, and me feeling so helpless.
I grabbed my keys, and I went over to the apartment office. Trying to hold myself together. Which didn’t last long. The girl in charge was new, in fact, that year a lot of people were new to the system. They didn’t know what they were doing because of adjustments.
I was sitting in a chair trying to speak through my mumbled words, and I saw her take the letter out of my hand, tear it in two, throw in into a trash can, and say, “I’m so sorry, this is a mistake, don’t pay any attention to it.”
And I burst into tears because of relief and of assurance. “I just dropped him off at the airport yesterday,” I cried out. “I didn’t know what I was supposed to do.”
In the process, making her and another girl eyes brim with tears, they tried to console me. I didn’t mean to make them cry. I remember walking back to the car, and I just cried for at least 10 minutes. The sorrow of saying goodbye to my husband the previous day, and being thankful God was always there for me. Everything overwhelmed me.
This was the day I first heard the song Sparrow by Jason Grey. The lyric, “If He can hold the world, He could hold this moment,” melted my heart because that’s what I needed to hear.
The second time was my fault. This was when we lived in Florida, April of this year.
I knew I had forgotten a bill, didn’t realize it was the rent. Again, I found the note attached to the door alone. This time my husband was at work. But it was a notice to have the rent ready within the next three days or leave. Still, it dropped a heavyweight in the pit of my stomach.
But God provided. It was a warning, and the very next day I walked over to the office, apologized handing the lady the note, and she answered, “It’s okay, it happens to us all.” Such relief warmed my heart, and assurance that God would be there and provide.
Today. Today it happened again.
Today, it was about 10 minutes left till the office would close when my husband and I found the letter attached to our door.
First, the name of the person was neither my name or my husband’s, and the letter claimed rent was not paid. However, just last week, I had gone to the office and gave our check.
But did knowing this stop the wave of immediate fear like the past times I’ve received eviction notices on my door? Nope.
I knew what the truth was, and yet I struggled. My husband said he would stop by the office before his class and see if he could straighten things out. As soon as the door closed, I grabbed my phone so I could be updated, and then I fell on the floor kneeling before the Almighty for His assurance.
This has been my resort every since I was 12, to go before God and give Him my worries and my fears. Today was like no other. Lifting my hands towards Him, and asking Him to help my unbelief because I do trust Him, and I knew the situation wasn’t mine.
But it felt so real like it was, and I couldn’t bear it. Praise God I don’t have to deal with these feelings by myself!!
And while I clung to the truth of Christ, my husband texted me. “It was a mistake, we’re fine.”
It’s hard to bear the weight of someone’s mistake. But Christ did it for us first. God loved us through sin.
I praised God through the remaining panic that lingered in me rebuking the fear and clinging to His truth.
His burden is light, and His yoke is easy, I repeated to myself over and over.
The happiness I felt and the timing of the scare reminds me to keep focused. It’s okay to be happy, but don’t get hung up on self-accomplishments, and don’t forget Who got us there in the first place. At the end of the day, I still rejoice with those who love Christ. This, despite my fear, wasn’t taken. And it’s true, no one can steal our joy. Joy is forever, not temporary. 🙂
I have the joy of trust in Christ, and the joy of His assuring hand never leaving me!
As I write this the song, “Broken Hallelujah,” by The Afters plays on my playlist.
How do you deal with fear?