Relationship with Christ

Clarity In Yesterday’s Post In Discussing Sex In A Godly Marriage

I had a comment that really made me want to expand more on what I wrote yesterday and I hope to bring more clarity to the topic- Truth Of Honoring Our Body Beyond Modesty & Intimacy With God


A Little Backstory About Me & How I Write 

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I’ve never really shared this, and I think it may be helpful to know 🙂 

As a Christian writer, and the fact that since I’ve been 13 I’ve felt God has called me to write for believers in a way that is challenging against what many think. In many discussions, we are so “surface” level when it comes to topics that have HUGE consequences and what those statements mean. It’s either yes or no, it’s either wrong or right.

Agreed.

However, saying one sentence or reading a paragraph out of the Bible, WILL NOT STOP someone from making those choices. Which is why I said I think teens can really take a lot from the post. Sex is very taboo that we put caution tape around it with no further explanation. We get so guarded because we do not want others to fall into sin. We don’t want them to fall away from Jesus.

But I think…we put too much focus on sin sometimes, or a way to be “Christlike” than we do talking about Christ, and what it means to truly have a relationship with Him. Truthfully, we can’t get to part C if we haven’t started with A. If people do not have a relationship with Christ, they won’t care, and if we do not have the proper relationship with Christ then we are deceived and are backsliding believers.

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In spring 2011, I was 21 and I wanted to push my walk with Christ. Unlike when I was younger, one thing that was new was that I started having what I refer to as “lessons” from Him imparted to my heart. Just little phrases that would appear to me. The very first one was, “I will always provide another way.” 

My relationship with Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Almighty Holy Spirit is so much bigger than just words on a page or a sermon people constantly preach. His lessons have an impact because I KNOW HIM! He drew crowds to Him not only because of how He spoke but in the manner He did and how He acted. This is why I want to show people another way of thinking. 🙂 ❤ Because that’s what He has shown me against this world and against what the majority (including believers) focus on.

And this then leads to my direction on the post yesterday. Truth Of Honoring Our Body Beyond Modesty & Intimacy With God


Both the world and believers look at sex in very different lights, however, sex holds a magnitude of power in both views, I think. (And the following is more so my opinion and what led me to write the direction I felt) 

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The worldly view of sex is very perverse. The deception and lies of attraction. Feeling confident through sex. Feeling beautiful and desired because of sex.

Our Christian view of sex tends to have two particular ways of looking at it and discussing it. If those having sex are not married it is sexual immorality…and a lot of times we leave it there. We do not discuss it further. Often times teens get very strict and narrow messages of sex because of this. I was one of them. (Also, I am not supporting sex out of marriage, for the record.) 

 

The second view of sex, in regards to a godly marriage, is again pretty powerful and weighty. We hold sex in very high esteem. I spoke about sex not being the answer to save a marriage, but I want to clarify, it does NOT only have to do with a broken marriage. Some people really put, in my opinion, too much focus on sex in a GODLY marriage, you heard me. It’s about connection, it’s about intimacy, I’m sure you’ve heard it before which is why I did not talk about it much.

This is why I added, “Sex is brief between husband and wife. It’s a connection, a very intimate one, that is meant to bond the couple together.” 

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But when we look at our marriage with someone, growth, often times was not because of the sex we had with our spouse. Do you see what I’m saying? The intimacy that sex brings, the union and love a couple should have together, only comes through proper communication, acknowledgment, to know that your husband does what he can to support you, and to know that your wife does what she can to support you. Sex is really meaningless and purely physical (like the world) if we do not have these aspects in the marriage and that connection.

Sex is only one factor of a marriage. An important and special one, yes, but it is still only one factor. I do not think it should have as much focus and as much influence as it does, especially in a godly marriage. That’s my opinion at least, please feel free to disagree with me 🙂 

Sex does not solve problems when a couple has a fight, disagreement, isn’t feeling heard, basic problems that will naturally happen in a marriage, it does not have to be broken.

I think when a couple is praying together, talking, engaging each other’s company, all of these different factors, when they all come together, then sex truly has that special connection, bond, and intimacy in a godly marriage. But this is a daily effort… 

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Which is why I connected it to the fact of being modest or being Christlike is only one aspect of what it means to be intimate with God, to be His temple, to know Him, and to fully understand His connection to us.

Going to church, reading His Word, praising Him, praying, meditating on scripture, sharing the gospel, being Christlike, etc. Separately these things do not really matter in regards to our walk with Him, and a lot of times we as believers are really good at one or two things. It’s hard to give Him everything, all of us, daily. That’s the point of understanding what it means to be His temple. We need all of these aspects of our life to be given to Him to have that intimacy with Him. 

And it helps when we really understand the magnitude of what He did for us, and how that precious bond He gave us can overrule everything else this world tempts us with. That’s what I want believers, teens, and others to think about. We know the scriptures that say “do not do this,” and many people preach on the “do nots,” but we do not talk about the “why” enough.

And His name is Jesus Christ. 

I hope this post has clarified and cleared up any confusion my last post may have caused.  🙂


 What are your views on a godly marriage? 

Is there anything I haven’t discussed in these past two posts you think I should spend more time in talking about? Let me know 🙂 

What other topics are you interested in? 

And Remember...Be The Salt Of The earthAnd The Light On The HillWe Are His Branches1

Month Scripture (NIV) Job 2:10, “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”

Second Blog: Peeking Beneath

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47 thoughts on “Clarity In Yesterday’s Post In Discussing Sex In A Godly Marriage

  1. Clear enough Sis. I have discovered though that a lot of growth is happening in the church with regards to how the topic of sex is talked about. As a youth leader, I know in my class, every youth knows the importance of sex, the intention of God regarding it, why it’s reserved for marriage only and what can happen if it’s done before marriage – not just physical implications but also spiritual implications. I know this is same for most youth ministries I know. This is totally different from my time when sex was seen as a taboo to talk about in church. So yeah a lot has changed and I thank God for that shift as it’s brought about more clarity regarding this topic.
    By the way, everything you said is spot on. Bravo👏🏾❤️🙂

    Liked by 3 people

      1. They do and it’s better they hear these things in the church thank hear it from friends. Honestly Sis it’s so beautiful to hear them ask questions that I won’t have been bold enough to ask in church when I was their age. And to see them understanding and making better choices? Ah nothing beats that feeling!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think it is because we have taken off the caution tape and have stopped trying to silence teens. They may have things adults do not want to hear, but you need the door of connection and openness.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Yes Sis. And having transparent leaders does help as well. It helps bring about connection. There is still a long way to go in how sex is talked about with adults in church (in my opinion). I pray the move spreads across to that angle.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree for sure, and this is a great read for young and/or unmarried. However, I love to add some things I’ve learned as a married woman. I was married for several years before I realized in full why a large part of a wife’s ministry to her husband is sexual. It’s a very challenging thought and one commonly misunderstood in today’s society – in today’s post-feminist society and oversexed society, that is.

    This is something I wish I knew much earlier in my marriage, but men are created differently than women. Like, really actually different. Seems obvious, but it has deeper implications.

    For a married man, sex IS the expression of intimacy that unlocks his vulnerability. For us women, it’s the opposite. We want our verbal expressions of vulnerability acknowledged before we are interested in sex. We want an “I love you” before sex. Sex IS “I love you” to our husbands.

    It sounds strange but it didn’t always. Feminism and the so-called sexual revolution have had such an enormous impact on our culture that it’s hard to understand the extent of it. I suspect this was the reason for the “wedding night” mother/daughter chats which were so common before the sexual revolution and “free” love. I do know that a healthy sex life is as essential to a solid marriage as healthy communication is. You really do need both elements – his needs and her needs. They are just different needs (and it is a need for a man, but one which must be put off until marriage or it is the sin of that old-fashioned word, fornication).

    Of course, in Christ we are called to die to ourselves, so we married Christian women have to suck it up and not be so thin-skinned and fragile from time to time just as our husbands have to sideline their sexual need.

    Two things I have heard which have stuck with me. One is that the devil spends all his time before marriage trying to get a couple into bed and all his time after marriage trying to keep them out of it.

    The second came from a lady older than me and I paraphrase: Men are visually stimulated. Doesn’t matter if we like it or not – it’s a fact. However, so many of us women want our husbands to have eyes only for us, then we don’t want them to look at us ‘that way.’

    Once married, we are one flesh and then we honor our bodies by faithfulness to that commitment – each meeting the other’s needs without expectation of having their own need fulfilled. Like Phil. 2:3 but in a marriage setting.

    Whew! Anyway, sorry I got long-winded. It is a touchy subject for sure, and I just want to share what I’ve learned over 18 years of marriage – weathering the junk and both of us learning to be honest with each other. I wish I’d learned it sooner. Check out 1 Corinthian 7:1-9 esp. 5 and 9. I literally just read them this morning so it’s pretty fresh on my mind (obviously, right?). 😉

    Liked by 6 people

    1. I totally understand where you are coming from, I don’t think I agree on everything. But you are right men and women are made differently. We absolutely need to fulfill the needs for our spouse in all things, which I support and talked about 🙂 I’m not taking that away. I don’t think it is wrong for a husband to desire a wife or vice versa. I also agree physical intimacy can do so much for a couple, and for men in particular. I’m not against any of that. 🙂

      But I have seen time and time again in so many Christian couples and even teachings that women MUST give in to these things for their husbands etc. Which seems somewhat deceitful in my eyes, if a woman feels she has to constantly give when she is not willing or feels that connection. I know there are Christian women who have openly felt like they have been raped because of this teaching, though I really do not think you were talking about this extent. I’ve read about how Christian women continue sex and intimacy with their husbands, but nothing is gained, and nothing else changes, and that’s because the other factors of a marriage are not being filled.

      Husbands receiving sex may not help them connect in that way if they do not know how, which would require more communication, and desire to fulfill their wives’ needs. Every married couple is different, of course. But like you shared, a lot of this stuff is not discussed.

      There is so much pressure on women and the focus on sexual intimacy. But the truth is, and what I believe, is if we want wives to be this willing, then men have to step it up as the head of the household, and that also means putting their wives needs before themselves.

      I believe and see a lot of believers teach it the other way around. Wives need to step up for husbands FIRST, and then the husbands will have that connection. Scripture says otherwise if men are the head of the household, they have to be as willing, and perhaps as a leader, more so. Again not taking away the importance of physical intimacy or the connection a couple has for each other. But I think the couple having that respect and communication will further intimacy and connection.

      You are so right, it is a touchy subject 🙂 but you know I think discussions like this are great! And thank you for sharing your perspective 🙂 no worries about long comments, as you see, I’m all about it!

      I actually wrote on this too and I need to add the link in this post as well, but I wrote about Wife Submissiveness and Husbands as head of the household.

      This is the post if you want to check it out 🙂
      https://nobledevotionblog.wordpress.com/2017/08/25/how-to-become-the-head-of-the-household-wife-submissiveness/

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I agree wholeheartedly that men need to be the spiritual leaders. That, too, is a tricky balance. In my own life, I’ve been reminded recently of how Sarah tried to “help” God fulfill his promise by giving Hagar to her husband. Which, of course, did not work out well. I’ve been guilty of being Sarah in “helping” God do things only God can do in my husband’s heart!

        I do agree that the need is often abused, but in the same way, we women tend to abuse our needs. Really, anytime anyone puts his or her needs first and asserts “rights”, that person is no longer fulfilling the call to servanthood which Christ gave to us all and lived as an example of. He literally died for us, and often He only asks us to lay aside our preferences. And ideally, the man should step up first.

        I guess I’ve heard both ways taught – husbands first, wives first – but the truth is we all fall short of the Glory of God and perfection. In some cases, I believe God leads the woman to take up her cross first, and in other cases He leads the man to go first – and in both cases for His own purposes, which we will struggle to understand this side of eternity.

        And I say this having a husband who truly believes and acts on it that any married man should be willing to stay married even if it means (for whatever reason) never having sex again. The flip side is my true belief that all women should be willing to stay married and look to God to meet their needs. In most cases , of course. And I’ve seen it work in the most unlikely success story of all – but both parties worked and fought and sacrificed for the sake of their marriage and ultimately, for the sake of the good name of their God.

        However, in the marriages of true Christ-followers, both of them happen one way or another and sooner or later. God always sees to the discipline of His children!

        Really, back to the Garden, it was Adam’s not stepping up which was addressed by God even though the woman actually ate of the fruit first. It does say after she ate, “she gave it to her husband, who was with her,” meaning he was there and did nothing to stop her first bite. And so on and so on… And now here we are today with the same types of issues only with a much wider variety of wrong choices!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Totally agree with you as well 🙂 I think men have struggled to step up since the beginning of time and women struggle to step down since the beginning of time. I agree that sometimes God will use the wife to help the husband, especially when he is not a believer, as scripture definitely supports that. We also can totally get up in our feelings a little too much just because we are overly sensitive sometimes.

        I always have to check in with myself about my feelings, is it hormones? Is it really something that matters, and if it is, have I brought it up to my husband because he can’t help unless he knows. And definitely, we do all fall short, no denying of that 🙂 ❤

        Thank you for adding to the discussion!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Also, how true is it when we “try” to help God out in ways we think are best! Praise the Lord for having a better plan, and being kind enough to prick our spirit with gentle reminds of conviction. ❤ I so relate to that!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Same to you!!! 🙂 I really enjoyed this chat, and how it was such a blessing to discuss different points with both sides being completely heard. That means so much especially being able to talk to a fellow believer. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so thankful for good marriage stories! We were both so hotheaded and impatient with each other when we were younger. I love how we’ve come to appreciate each other over the years. Congrats to you and hope it’s the same for you and your man!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes!!!!!!!! I just love how you went straight into the point.. we focus so much on the on that single aspect without seeing the bigger picture. Your words give me life and have given me a topic to speak to my youth😊🤗🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much!! 🙂 I really want to be as open as I can while sharing what God lays on my heart. I know some of the best sermons I’ve heard, and read (talking about Jesus) were because of that connection, and that is how I want to try to write. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Excellent post—couldn’t agree more! ❤️
    Although the topic of sex is commonly taboo in Christian circles, that can be a mistake because then the world’s view of sex can creep in and too much emphasis can be placed on the importance of sex, often to the detriment of other more crucial factors, like each person’s personal relationship with Christ, the husband being the spiritual leader, etc. like when you said: “Sex is really meaningless and purely physical (like the world) if we do not have these aspects in the marriage and that connection.”
    My husband and I attended a marriage conference at our church put on a few years ago by the same pastor that’s recovering from the cerebral malaria and his wife. It was great in that at one point, men and women broke up into different groups, which really freed people up to talk about more personal issues. Now remember, these were all “Christian” couples, ranging from newlyweds to long time marriage partners, but the thing that happened when the genders broke up was enlightening. The men’s talks revolved around not understanding their wives and why they acted certain ways (moody, wanting to talk too much, etc), but sex was not brought up (almost like they were too embarrassed to talk about it). However, the wives’ talks quickly went to sex and how their husband wanted it all the time but how he didn’t understand their whole relationship, on a day to day basis, was important to the wife when it came to her being “in the mood” which often turned it into an act of submission, a duty of the wife, but nothing more. Some talked about their husband’s obsession with sex and his demands for it every day, sometimes multiple times a day. There was also talk about the complications previous sexual abuse introduced to their marriage and sex life. It was kind of heartbreaking listening to the problems that revolved around sex and how they were affecting the marriage relationship, and vice versa.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad, Mia, you brought this up because from both of my posts it seems women, though completely supported what I wrote, seemed to have the most issue or felt the need to elaborate more on why sex is important in a marriage. I’ll add I totally understand too where they are coming from, it’s just I’ve tried my best to be very clear that I’m not taking that away at all, but I want the focus to be on the core issue. But that did not always feel like it was the case.

      I even had my husband look over some comments for his opinion because he is a man. I think we as women will always have that outside perspective because we are not a man. He even stated that some guys, sure, are only focused on sex really when it comes to connecting with their wives, but in general, there is a lot more than just that.

      What you shared is indeed extremely eye-opening! Thank you for sharing that!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly! The man’s physical need for sex may be fulfilled but the woman’s emotional needs often go unfulfilled, either because they’re not communicated or not understood.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m just now getting to this post, T.R. and already from what I’ve read; it’s going to be good. I like when you said, “But I think…we put too much focus on sin sometimes, or a way to be “Christlike” than we do talking about Christ, and what it means to truly have a relationship with Him. ” because that can become a problem when we focus more on the “sin” aspect of a Christian life and forget to discuss as you said; having a relationship with Jesus Christ.

    In the opening part of where yo begin to discuss the post; your take on the world’s view of sex and even believer’s view of sex is actually well founded. The world’s view really is perverse and even for some believer’s, we can have a narrow view of sex.

    I like when you said this: “Sex does not solve problems when a couple has a fight, disagreement, isn’t feeling heard, basic problems that will naturally happen in a marriage, it does not have to be broken.” Even we as believers and followers of Christ can get this twisted when it comes to Godly marriage and in my opinion; sex can’t fix a situation when either husband or wife refuses to listen and acknowledge each other.

    Love this quote:

    “It’s hard to give Him everything, all of us, daily. That’s the point of understanding what it means to be His temple. We need all of these aspects of our life to be given to Him to have that intimacy with Him.”

    I feel that when we really begin to have a relationship and begin to know Him for ourselves that we can also begin to have that intimate relationship with other people. In my opinion and feel free to disagree with me, if you don’t first build up your relationship with God and begin to form an intimate relationship with Christ; sex and everything that comes with it becomes meaningless.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! I agree! The closer I’ve gotten to Christ, it has helped me open up more to others. And totally agree, there needs to be a balance in marriage with acknowledgment given.

      Like

  6. I love this post!!! It’s funny me and a friend were on this subject the other day God works in mysterious ways wow!! But it made me realize some things so thank you so much!! I write poetry and I would like a writers opinion if you can go and check out my page Please do God bless you!!!💖💖

    Liked by 2 people

  7. You are touching on something really important here. Very often people assume that what is most important to them in marriage is just as important to their spouse. Yes sex is important in marriage, but other things may be just as important to your spouse. We can’t neglect those things if we expect our spouse to uphold what we find important.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Completely agree with you!!! It is so important to meet ALL needs for our spouse, and despite sex being a need it definitely does not carry all emotional ties, including for men.

      Thank you for adding this 🙂

      Like

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