June has been a lot to say in the least.
It seems like so long since I wrote the post picking out this month’s scripture.
This month has been one of the tightest budgets we have had. I have been stretching everything grocery wise in our household to last this month from one grocery trip at the start of the month.
I knew writing the post and choosing this scripture God would speak to me through it.
But I honestly had NO idea just what He was going to do…
And then I took a break from writing this, and Thursday of last week happened…
I didn’t want to blog.
I didn’t want to write.
I felt so defeated.
Because at the time I started to write this post I was under the impression we were clear for June. We did it. God gave me the lessons I needed for the month. But we would have the blessing of the GI bill to start July with. We could get groceries. We could pay July’s bills.
And then it was Thursday, June 28th, 2018.
That morning we had received less than 1/7th of what we usually receive. The rent would not be paid. The bills would not be paid. We would have no groceries, and we were on our last items already.
We had to do what I was dreading. Pull out all our remaining savings. We had enough in our savings to pay the rent and bills. Not counting groceries or gas money.
The way the GI bill works for someone who is out of the military is you receive money to help with bills/books during the time you are in school. You only get money while you are attending class, so if you do not attend class to fulfill the basic requirements (usually 12 credits or more) you do not get money or less.
We knew this but thought we would be okay for July because my husband started a full summer term with classes.
That afternoon when my husband came back from class, he let me know what our situation was like. I spent that day talking to God a lot, and trying to fight against the lingering doubt, fear, and worry that beckoned to be invited into my heart. “It’s your fault. You caused this. You should have gotten a job…”
Cue flashbacks in my mind.
A couple weeks ago, and I did talk about this in my 900 Followers | When I Had No One I have people in my life who have no idea what I am doing as a blogger and as a writer. I was getting comments and suggestions to just get a job for financial stability, which I totally get by the way, and leave the writing for later.
During this past month, and in the past, I’ve felt that my value as a person only matters in $ signs.
In my eyes and how I feel people internalize what I am doing if I am not investing my time into a job that produces money. I am lazy. I am not a good wife. If it has no $ attached it does not matter. My efforts do not matter.
The comments tore me apart.
I questioned everything about myself and what I was doing as a writer. Tears falling. Pleading to God. “Help me know if I am doing what You want to me to do because if I am then I know You will provide. Am I doing what Your plan is for me? Please, if You want, say something.”
There have been only three distinct times in my life prior to where I would open the Bible randomly, and my eyes would lay on a scripture that spoke EXACTLY what I needed or felt in the moment.
As you may imagine, my sight became blurry when the first scripture I saw said, “All this, said David, the Lord made me understand in writing by His hand upon me, all the works of these plans.” 2 Chronicles 28:19
Too many times, He has revealed things to me as I write. √
As I am crying out to Him, feeling acknowledged, I then notice my mug of popsicle sticks, which some of you may know from my Alphabet Devotional. One of them, in particular, was sticking up out of the cup really high. And I just had a feeling that said, “Pick that one up and read the word.”
Trembling hands, the word I picked said, “Confidence.”
Only a few days before, the story I shared that week in the blogging community was how a pastor told me that, “I have confidence in God, but not in myself. I need to have confidence in myself.”
THEN as I was listening to music, a song RANDOMLY plays, one I had NEVER heard before…
Confidence by Sanctus Real (lyric video).
The song talks about being afraid and asking God to help us face our circumstances with confidence.
Despite not knowing what was going to happen I felt reassured.
But then Thursday hit, and I did not know what to do. But I remembered what He was telling me about confidence. I kept telling myself, “God has never failed you. He has always had a plan. He has always MADE a way!”
Again, I was listening to music and a song was playing that I had not really paid attention to just yet till that moment.
I don’t usually share lyrics, but I’m going to share the lyrics that stood out to me.
Do It Again by Elevation Worship (lyric video)
I’m still in Your hands/This is my confidence/You’ve never failed me yet.
You made a way/ When there was no way
. . . Everything I’ve struggled with, and everything I was reminding myself of. He reminded me HE WAS WITH ME! The lessons He has imparted to me STILL STAND as they are. I have a confidence because of Him. He has NOT failed me. He has always made a way.
God is there in the good and He is there in the bad. I felt in my heart, “The bigger the testimony you want to give, the bigger the mountain must be to fall down.”
On my knees, I prayed for His hand, and the next day we received more money in three different deposits for our GI bill. It was not the full amount, but it paid the rent and allowed us room to breathe. Praise His name!
The week of this happening, my husband JUST started a new part-time job. THE TIMING! It did not change our current circumstances, but I SEE how God can use the situation for His glory!
I am striving to work on trusting God and seeing His plan despite what everyone else and myself see which is a messy circumstance in front of us.
But the clouds have not parted yet. When the truth of what will happen in the long run has not yet been revealed.
June scripture – (NIV) Job 2:10, “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
(I just want to add, I always discuss with my husband about our financial circumstance and currently he is okay with me not having a job. This may of course change. But I always consult him.)
Has God spoken to you like this?
How is God speaking to you in your trial?
I hope this spoke to you!
New month scripture is coming soon!
*** Community Prayer Request For July ’18 – Join Me In Praying For Each Other And If You Have A Request To Add Let Me Know. A New Prayer Request Post Comes Out Every Month And Is Updated As Requests And Updates Come In.
Second Blog: Peeking Beneath