I’m Disgusted With Myself Sometimes

Edited: 04/05/2021 – Changed and added some sentences and added a clarification paragraph at the end. 

I said on one of my posts about how I’m sad, torn, and disgusted when people turn away from Christ and not embracing the title of what it means to be Christian. It’s been bothering me ever since that I may have hurt people in the process of saying it, especially for people who may be having a hard walk with Christ. 

Now, I can’t say what I said is not true. I mean it. It hurts me when I see people struggle and fall away as a believer. I’m sad when people are overcome by bitterness, anger, envy, comparison, etc. I’m disgusted when the things of the world are more important than the things of Christ.

Which leads me to say, yes, I’m disgusted with myself sometimes.

Christ gives us so many things. For all who put their faith in Jesus, He saves us from Hell because He became our atonement sacrifice on the cross! He gives us eternal life. He is our hope that one day there will be no more tears and pain. He gives us the Holy Spirit Who convicts us of sin, righteousness, and the judgment to come. (John 16:08) He, through refining, allows us to grow into a full bloom with a love this world can’t have, thus it struggles. 

I’m disgusted with myself that I would choose anything else. The distractions and deception through shows, reading, games. I’ve cut out a lot, but I occasionally still run into programs taking God’s name in vain or saying inappropriate things. All the times I’m not being aware of Him because I truly believe through Christ we can always have a sense of awareness. Scripture supports we should never stop praying, and I believe in Christ all things are possible.

I share these things not to cast stones at others but to really try to hold myself as accountable. I do not want my posts to stumble you, but I do want you to listen to the truth. I don’t want to make the truth fluffy and comfortable, especially when it isn’t. If you are sinning, if you are turning away from Christ I WANT YOU TO RUN TO HIM! I want my posts to make you uncomfortable. I pray the Holy Spirit is kind enough to prick your spirit.

But I also desire for Him to prick mine. To make me uncomfortable and hold me accountable so I can seek His forgiveness.

It’s true, I disgust myself, dirt that I am because I’m broken, a leaky vessel. I try to encourage with the truth, and my mouth runs ahead of me sometimes. I’m thankful God is helping me grow. That He helps me slow down in editing and really try to reach out the way I should as scripture teaches.

Update/Clarification: A previous version talked about how I was dirt and how dirt often has nutrients for things to grow in it. I then discussed how God can use that brokenness to help me grow. While the Lord certainly helps us grow,  I do not approve of this statement now. The truth is we are only righteous because of Christ. When He died on the cross, He died IN PLACE of us. As sinners, we deserve punishment, and that is the wrath of God. On the cross, Christ became a curse, sin. He died in our place and drank from the bowl of God’s wrath so that all who put their faith in Him would not have to suffer what we justly deserve. We are not special for being broken, but the Lord, Jesus, is special and so precious because from Him we can be made righteous. It is only after we have been justified by His righteousness being imputed to us that we then can become sanctified. The sanctification process begins in this life, it will continue as long as we live. And yes, beautiful things can come from being humbled by our Lord and Savior. It is a process and it is an uneasy. Our flesh will struggle daily. We will do things we will be disgusted by, but know this, we can always turn to our Lord and Savior, seek His forgiveness, and repent. 

(ESV) Romans 7:15, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

For more information on Christ’s atonement please see: Why Did A Loving God Kill His Son? (Does God Hate?)

Comment Below:

Are you ever been disgusted with yourself?

Scripture To Meditate/Memorize – (NLT) 1 Timothy 1:19, “Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their conscience and as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked.” 

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