I said on one of my posts about how I’m sad, torn, and disgusted when people turn away from Christ and not embracing the title of what it means to be Christian. It’s been bothering me ever since that I may have hurt people in the process of saying it, especially for people who may be having a hard walk with Christ.
Now, I can’t say what I said is not true. I mean it. It hurts me when I see people struggle and fall away as a believer. I’m sad when people are overcome by bitterness, anger, envy, comparison, etc. I’m disgusted when the things of the world are more important than the things of Christ.
Which leads me to say, yes, I’m disgusted with myself sometimes.
Christ gives us so many things. He saves us from Hell, hellllo! He gives us eternal life, a permanent residence in one of the mansions He’s planned for us. He allows us to have the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, Who lives inside of us, once we accept salvation. He through refining, which hurts, allows us to grow into a full bloom with a love this world can’t have, thus it struggles.
I’m disgusted with myself that I would choose anything else. The distractions and deception through shows, reading, games. I’ve cut out a lot, but I occasionally still run into programs taking God’s name in vain or saying inappropriate things. All the times I’m not being aware of Him because I truly believe through Christ we can always have a sense of awareness. Scripture supports we should never stop praying, and I believe in Christ all things are possible.
I share these things not to cast stones at others but to really try to hold myself as accountable. I do not want my posts to stumble you, but I do want you to listen to the truth. I don’t want to make the truth fluffy and comfortable, especially when it isn’t. If you are sinning, if you are turning away from Christ I WANT YOU TO RUN TO HIM! I want my posts to make you uncomfortable. I pray the Holy Spirit is kind enough to prick your spirit.
But I also desire for Him to prick mine. To make me uncomfortable and hold me accountable so I can seek His forgiveness.
It’s true, I disgust myself, dirt that I am because I’m broken, a leaky vessel. I try to encourage with the truth, and my mouth runs ahead of me sometimes. I’m thankful God is helping me grow. That He helps me slow down in editing and really try to reach out the way I should as scripture teaches.
I’m disgusted my sensitivities make me overthink and wonder if things I’ve said have broken friendships, and I’ll never know. I will only have silence on the other side wondering.
I’m disgusted at so many things that I want to turn away from and yet some of them feel like they continue to climb.
But see, God kindly reminds me as I write this that dirt..often has nutrients in it. These nutrients lead to seeds growing. One day, God will help me grow and stand taller than the towering lies. He will help my leaves touch His rain of peace even in uncertainty. He will help my torn petals bring renewal to someone else.
Through my disgust, God will help me grow.
Through our brokenness, God is planting seeds.
Are you ever disgusted with yourself?
Monthly Scripture – (NLT) 1 Timothy 1:19, “Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their conscience and as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked.”
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