My Life · Relationship with Christ

Ashamed, I Knew I Was Choosing Sin Over God

Age 16, sitting in the corner of my room, between my door and the door to my closet, I felt entirely defeated. I knew sin had won this victory over me. 

I want you, the reader, to understand why the Lord is so precious and special to me. I realize I haven’t shared a lot of my personal moments and stories about God in my life, especially when I was a teen. I hope by opening up, the Lord is glorified, and something speaks to you.

Please know, just because Jesus loves us and gives us grace, He does not want us to stay where we are. He wants to purify us. He wants us to surrender EVERYTHING to Him. He wants us to submit to Him. He wants us to completely give up sin.

In my life, at times, there were a couple of sins I really struggled with, and I struggled thinking, “How could I give this up?”

I’ve talked about this past sin before. It was part of my When Temptation Breaks You series-  Why We Are WeakOvercoming Temptation. A quote from my post explains where I was in my struggle.

“I thought I could fight the fleshly desire because I had Christ with me. This is partly true. The false part is if I am not constantly seeking shelter in Him, and being renewed in His truth and glory daily my strength is simply that…mine. It’s on my terms.
And, well, I’m a weakling when it comes to the spiritual stuff. I can’t do it on my own.”

Though the Lord provided growth through worship, prayer, and scripture reading, I definitely had my heart and time divided. Even though I would often try to include the Lord throughout the day in my activities, there were certainly ones I knew I couldn’t. 

What’s probably most scary is at this point in my life when I felt the Holy Spirit, the conviction, the pricks, all of that, I knew by continuing my sin I would become desensitized. In tears, crying in shame, I knew the ache of what I was doing would eventually go away.

It was a sickening, twisted, relief that I knew I could receive.

And I did…

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I continued in my sin, and that is exactly what happened. The ache, the warning, of my sin went away. Scripture is clear, we are told this will happen. Those who fall in sin will be given over to sin. Some will completely stray from the Lord, having a debased mind, and forgetting what they once knew about Him!

You want to know why I strike hard on this blog about conviction and how it does not mean what a lot of people think it does…THIS IS WHY! I lived it! I know it! OUR ACTIONS AND CHOICES WILL DO A LOT TO OUR SPIRIT & OUR FLESH! 

And defending fleshly influences and choices because we “can handle it”...NO! NO MORE!

Even as a teen, I knew what scripture said. I was seeing what the Lord was doing in my life. But there were worldly influences I allowed. My media totally encouraged my sin. My peers who were not of the Lord encouraged sin.

If something or someone is not of God, they have no capable ability to draw you closer to Jesus. Plain and simple. 

In life, there are influences that will either draw you to the cross weeping or put Jesus on the cross while you mock Him with your sin.

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But there is hope, and this was my hope…

While sitting on the floor, crying in shame, I felt depleted and alone. Knowing that I was turning against Jesus, the One who had done everything for me. I had even told Him, I understood if He wanted to leave me because of what I was doing and allowing in my life. He had EVERY RIGHT TO LEAVE ME.

I look up at my door, and I had taped tons of calendar pictures with scriptures on them. This was the scripture I saw.

(NIV) Psalm 139:09-10, “If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”

Love poured out and anointed me with His hope and His assurance, He wasn’t done with me. That though this battle was lost, the war wasn’t. Jesus wasn’t willing to immediately give up on me, even though I deserved it. The cross He bore was big enough for my burden, my shame, and my sin. 

While sin gave me and made me nothing, Jesus STILL gave me worth. Jesus was AND IS my ONLY worth! 

I had settled on the far side, a place my flesh had accepted, and at the time, I was a slave to my flesh. I went where my flesh went.

But my Savior, probably with fire in His eyes, shook His head, and said, “No, this is FAR from being over. I have conquered, and through Me, you will, too.”

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That moment has always stood out to me. A time I felt so helpless and bonded to sin, my Savior told me He had another way. I was 16 at the time. The sin had ruled over me for years before, and it wasn’t until I was 28 that I was freed from the sin completely.

“I tried to control my sin and giving it up. But when I gave up the things that were cloaked in darkness, it was only THEN that the ropes around my spirit lost their tightening.

My mind, spirit, heart, and even my body were being disciplined in a way I wasn’t fully aware of at the time. I did things BECAUSE OF GOD not because of my sin! Drawing closer to Him meant I had to let go of other things.” (Overcoming Temptation)

Loving Jesus willingly! Letting go of what influenced and encouraged my flesh, while clinging to Jesus, was how my spirit overcame the flesh that day. Only through Jesus, all things are possible!

Comment Below:
Has there ever been a moment you felt like God should leave you and instead, He loved you?
Are there any influences you need to cut of your life today?

Monthly Scripture – (NIV) 1 Peter 4:18, “And, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”

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