I have been struggling these past few months when it comes to blogging. Originally, I thought it was burnout, but I think it might be something more.
From last fall to now, God has renewed and transformed my thinking on SO many things. I’ve changed my thoughts on particular mindsets I used to have, and some of those changes are pretty big. See post: Why I Took Down My Dream Posts & Series | Recant
It almost seems like at the pinnacle of my growth as a Christian, the desire I have on this blog dwindles drastically. The odd thing is I have SO MANY IDEAS and posts I want to write. But to get myself in the chair and face the computer is this weird begrudging battle.
To be honest, I have never had this issue with blogging before. I’ve been able to bounce right back in, but now, it seems so difficult.
I’ve considered taking a summer break, giving myself ample time to get ahead for fall. This might be something I consider a little later in the summer, but I know it is not the right option for this moment. Once I am IN the chair, and my fingertips at the keyboard, I’m able to write. It’s getting me there that’s the issue.
Mentally, I’ve been struggling with some fears and worries.
As some of you know, since 2018 I have had the prayer request that my husband receive a co-op for his schooling. Some have even declared in the comments he would get a co-op. Well, God does answer prayers, but this answer seems to be “no.” That doesn’t mean at all, however, the Lord didn’t provide. He did.
My husband was very close to having a chance for a co-op, but then COVID happened. As it stands, it looks like the school has found a way for students to graduate without the co-op requirements. If I’m honest, I’ve struggled handing over my weak sense of self-control to God. I was hoping the co-op could be the right company, and that my husband would have a more secure job lined up when he graduates.
I’ve been tormented with thoughts wondering if I should get a job. I’ve received criticism in the past about getting a job to make money, none, mind you, from my husband. This accusation echoes in my ears that I must make money or I’m a failure, something I struggled with in 2018.
God has helped me a lot with blogging, and reaching people around the world. I believe He has used my writing as a ministry. I’ve met people from blogging. The Lord provided a sisterhood from blogging. Monetary value doesn’t change the amazing things He has done here. Yet, I am tempted to look down at it, when I struggle, because of no dollar signs. Please pray against this with me that my eyes are open to what He is doing.
The truth is some of the old fears from 2017 when we transitioned from him getting out of the military and going to school are coming back. We are approaching another new milestone in our journey, and I’ve never been good with change. I’m not as fearful because repeatedly I have to remind myself of what the Lord has done for us. But the fear is still there.
Then I’m conflicted.
Is it wrong to look at God’s provision the way I WANT IT to be? I want some financial security, yet, though it’s not what I desire (up to my imagined standard), however, He has certainly given us enough. He has truly always provided. Serving my husband as a housewife has been a blessing. I’ve been able to grow in ways I don’t think I could have.
I think of the sparrows, and how much more will the Father provide. I fully believe and have experienced the Father always providing, it just does not always look the way I want. Am I willing for it not to look the way I want? Am I willing to lose what I would desire?
(NIV) Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
The answer as a Christian if I am willing is yes. My flesh struggles, but my spirit can rest in Him. Right now, I’m working on that, and it’s difficult. But who said God’s refinement was easy? Trials wouldn’t be trials if they weren’t difficult.
God giving Christians the desires of their hearts has NOTHING to do with getting what we always want.
I know we can ask the Lord anything in prayer, and we need to have the assurance God will do what is best for His will, not our will. We also have the promise that even if something is not what we would want God will use it for our good.
(NIV) Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
Knowing and applying are two different things, and it’s an adjustment.
Please pray for God’s direction in our lives as we go through this. I’ve seen the Lord minister to my husband in ways I have not experienced before. I’ve seen the Lord do so much good during this time to friends around me in very difficult situations. We must rest in His timing. We need to kneel at His feet.
(NIV) Matthew 6:27, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
Community Prayer for June 2020
Monthly Scripture – (NKJ) Psalm 85:07, “Show us Your mercy, Lord, and grant us Your salvation.”
Second Blog: Peeking Beneath